First it was Anorexia Nervosa. Now it's leaning more towards BED. It would be bulimia nervosa but I can't get myself to puke. I've tried.
I miss anorexia. It was so much simpler than whatever this is.
Eating disorder not otherwise specified (ednos)
my experience with an eating disorder is turmoil! I am both reassured and tormented by it. Sometimes I hate sometimes I love it. Sometimes it evokes confidence, promiscuity, sometimes vulnerability, irritability. Ultimately it is always unkind, the intrusive thoughts/ rumination only quiten they don't leave, its draining. I have had it for a very long time and about to start CBT because sometimes I don't know what is reality and enough is enough. I feel this is opposite to my personality. It has taken years for me to honestly believe that though and i doubt my own thoughts, it is a scary time sticking up to a 'bully' especially one who is so intimate you go back n forth with breaking commitment and owning your body. As much as it torments I have been dependent for a long time and protective it is only recently I call it it and feel more detached. I feel more awareness needs to be made about how individual symptoms can be and how even if you don't fit into the box but your eating is disordered and torments you then you are deserving of help. How you dont have to be the extreme weights to suffer. I have very weak nails, dry skin and hair, my skin is pale loose with stretch marks (i have to wear my story every day and at the moment that means constant shaming), I am always internally thinking about what my body looks like and making it the cause of things that happen good or bad. I look for bones but i am never satisfied which shames me again. I ache when I am active in purging or restricting. Very tired, struggle to work (something i really enjoy), poor concentration, headaches, baggy eyes, sensitive emotions (i cry at random times) . Poor sleep patterns and disorientated, purging becomes my role, duty. I feel guilt towards my family and as if i am a disappointment. deep down i know this is me being poorly and i am able to remind myself of that more recently. Meditation is euphoric as my mind sometimes goes completely silent and my body relaxes however it can be awful practicing the thoughts can get very intrusive and 'loud'. it stops me from doing activities id like to - holidays, paddle boarding, yoga in public, sex is always an ordeal. My eating disorder can be a barrier between me and reality. I also think that there is lots of focus on the medias influence, however what fuelled me was how individuals treated me (i used to be very fat, from compulsive eating), more emphasis on social influence the media is becoming a scape goat for the lack of social compassion/ responsibility. People seem to forget their actions impact throwing a small stone may seem harmless but not for the persons whos eye it hits! Socialising without eating disorder focus, casual, brings me back to reality for a moment. I may still act out when home (predominantly bulimia) but for that time interacting with someone i wasn't an eating disorder or felt alienated i was casual and validated. I am very lucky to have people i can confide in and trust who are patient with me however i think that in itself emphasizes the grip eating disorder has on your sense of self.
Painful. I felt trapped and unable to live without my eating disorder. I did not know who I was without my eating disorder and felt lost without it.
Hard, isolating, frustrating, powerful - both good and bad forms of power.
EDNOS - Purging Disorder/atypical Bulimia Nervosa
Anorexia Nervosa - have managed to gain weight but now feel like I have a Binge Eating Disorder
Childhood refusal to eat, maybe anorexia?
Anorexia that "ricocheted" into Binge Eating Disorder.
EDNOS - mainly exteme calorie restriction, binges, rare purging
It was stressfull always to think about what to eat, and when and it took a lot of effort to look normal to other people. I was not very talented with hiding it so my siblings found out and tried to help me (in the end successfully)
OCD. I couldn't eat most foods for fear of being poisoned or made to feel ill